Chapter 83: Four Moons, a Horse and Deer

Crunchy, with a creamy nougat center. That's how I would describe my first taste of spider oni. They were like Cadbury Eggs, but made of spider and tasting of alfredo. I wouldn't have much trouble killing them after all, if they were so scrumptously delicious.

I grabbed the next oni I could find in my mouth and dragged it to Akagane, insisting, "Hey, you've gotta try these!"

He broke off a piece and tried it, chewing contemplatively. "Tastes like chicken," he observed, because everything does. So we gathered up all the rest of the oni and had a barbecue.

Around the fire pit, Hisui stood up and said, "Everyone, I know it was a little hectic when we first got home, but now that things have settled down, I have an important announcement to make." She smiled to Akagane and took his hand, who smiled shyly back at her. Hisui then beamed and declared, "Akagane is pregnant."

"You big slut!" came a congratulatory cheer from the crowd of villagers as they applauded and whistled.

Akagane blushed and turned his head down, mumbling, "Well, I am concerned that I will be unable to fit into my uniform..."

"It's okay, Father has that covered," Hisui explained, motioning towards the the manor. Her father came striding out, dressed head to toe in black leather that was entirely too small for him. He bent over and flexed his arms, causing the seams to pop and exposing more than anyone really wanted to see. Half the village died of seizures that night.

When I woke up the next morning and went outside to find a fire hydrant, Oniuma and Onishika were standing in front of the door. I blinked groggily, then wondered, "... What are you guys doing here?"

"Today is our birthday," said one, I wasn't really paying attention to which.

"You forgot to get us a present," said the other.

"Why do I need to get you a present?" I wondered.

They looked at each other like I was the stupidest person on the planet. "Because it's our birthday," they said in unison, as if that cleared everything up.

So, I ended up trudging out of the village in search of a birthday gift for two oni I didn't even know, while they tagged along behind me chattering exitedly. "I hope he gets us a pony!"

We went to Macy's and browsed their housewares department, but they didn't seem interested in that sort of thing. I had hoped to just be able to placate them with a spatula or something, but oni were apparently a hard buy.

As we left the store to try somewhere else, the security alarms suddenly went off. Oniuma and Onishika held their arms up in a "not it" gesture, but then I glanced around them and saw Ryakki trying to conceal a 64" flatscreen television under her shirt.

I found absolutely nothing unisual about anything that just happened, so we crossed the street to see if we could find anything exciting at Target. Unfortunately, since we were jaywalking, an oncoming truck sped through and took out Onishika, who just stood there and stared at it as it ran him over because that's what he does.

Oniuma fell to his knees and reached for the sky, shouting, "Noooooo! My brother, your death shall not be in vain!" He sobbed into his hands, declaring, "Ohh, the only gift I need now is to have my brother returned to me!"

And then he was there. Him. The man who must not be named, even though he said his name back in chapter 75, even though it's more of a title than a name. But he was there. In the flesh. Along with my mother. In the fur.

He stood over the flattened Onishika and declared, "He who was created by me shall be blessed with eternal life!" And then Onishika was alive again.

"You haven't technically shown up yet, so can you actually do that kind of thing?" I wondered to him.

"It's great, isn't it?" he replied. "No one knows anything about me yet, so I can do whatever here and no one can tell if it's an accurate depiction or not." He made cherry blossoms appear everywhere, then moonwalked out of the scene.

We ended up back at the village empty-handed, but the oni brothers didn't seem to mind. "Oh, my dearest brother, after you died, I realized that my greatest gift was being born along with you."

Onishika took his hands and replied, "And my hoarsest brother, your love for me is the only gift I will ever need." Then they started making out because apparently they had that kind of relationship.

Not wanting to stick around for the furry porn, I went inside the house, where I found Kogane with her arms wrapped around Yachouon, who appeared quite catatonic. "Onii-chan, it's true! Ya-chan and I are getting married! You can't stop us, my soul belongs to him!"

"The wedding bells are ringing..." he mumbled, rocking his head back and forth in a daze.

Eika then burst in, shouting, "You cradle-robber! Little girl, don't be fooled, he just dolls himself up like that to attract younger women! In reality, he's even older than me!"

Yachouon snapped back to reality and retorted, "Who you calling 'cradle-robber', you pedophile! You asked the kid to be your boyfriend when he was, what, eight years old?"

Eika noticed me standing in the doorway, then latched onto me. "Mmm, little jailbait puppy boy... you're at least at the age of consent now, right?" She looked over to Yachouon and scowled. "You're jealous aren't you? Tell me you're jealous of our love!" She squeezed me so tight I couldn't breathe.

"Oh, get it through your head that no one likes you," Yachouon groaned, rolling his eyes. Then with a sneer, he added, "There's a reason you haven't shown up since chapter 31."

Eika threw me to the ground and whipped her biwa out of hammerspace, staring him down and accusing "Oh no you di'int."

Yachouon jumped up and whipped out... a drumset? "Bring it." And they had a Rock Band competition to settle things.

Unfortunately, this meant I couldn't sleep, so I went outside to go stare at the moon a while. Akagane and Hisui seemed to have the same idea, as I found them sitting on the porch, Hisui with her head in Akagane's lap. "Hee, I think I can hear the baby kicking," she said with her ear pressed against his belly.

"Actually, I believe you are hearing the gyoza I had for dinner," he corrected. He looked around to see if anyone was listening, completely ignoring me, then took a deep breath and admitted, "Hisui... this may come as a disappointment to you, but... I am not really pregnant."

Hisui put her hands to her mouth and gasped. "But... the test said it was 99% accurate!"

"I know, I know," he said, taking her hands in his. "But the thing is... when I was fishing around in the cabinet, I believe I may have accidentally taken your pregnancy test."

"Ohhh, that makes so much sense!" Hisui exclaimed. "So does that mean that...?"

"Yes. I believe so," he confirmed, smiling lightly.

Hisui squealed and hugged him, then both of them turned to me as Hisui exclaimed, "Wan-chan, this is so exciting!"

Akagane nodded and clapped me on the shoulder, giving me a thumbs-up. "Congratulations, bake-inu. You're pregnant."